(There was an immediate sense that something was off, that something was wrong, but he couldn't place what it was - it wasn't even really in the forefront of his mind. The only thing he could concentrate on, the only thing he could see was Enji's return. Then it came down on him like a tidal wave crashing onto him and restricting his breath. A weight of disappointment, of despair overwhelmed him and he froze in the horror of it all.
His lips part and the color drains from his skin. His eyes stare at the other, wide and confused, before the sting of air burns them and they water.
No.. he's crying.
His heart skips a beat and his hand reaches up to touch the tattoo over his chest. Can't heal.. can't mend... can't do shit for a broken soul. For a metaphoric broken heart. Enji left and returned a husk. A hallow man in which nothing of Kanda remained. His hand lifts from his chest to wipe at the hot tears that stream down his face and he pulls himself together enough to stand from the bed. He holds his breath and he moves toward Enji. He stops a foot before the other and a fresh set of tears slip past his lashes before he moves for the doorway.)
[Watching Kanda cry did something to him. The pain in his chest only grows as he sees him like that. Enji wants answers, he wants to know who the young man is, why he's here, and how he can make everything better for him. He doesn't know why it matters so much, but it's his priority.
As Kanda gets closer, he reaches for him, but at the last moment his roommate turns to head past the door, tears still in his eyes.]
Wait, please wait! [He doesn't want to use force but he can't just let him walk away. Enji feels like all of this is familiar. He doesn't think as he reaches out to grab him by the shoulders, pulling him into a hug that he wouldn't be able to escape from even if he tried.]
Don't leave me. [Things start to come back to him slowly. This wasn't the first time he's held him in his arms. Or the first time he's had silky long hair spilling over his fingers. He knows him. Intimately.]
(Nothing registers until Enji pulls him in for an embrace. Then it came to him, the plea to stay, to wait.. Don't leave me. That brings up an uncomfortable choke in his throat and he pulls his arms around the large man. He presses his face into Enji's chest and he finally feels as if he can breathe.
When you gonna slow down? We're running into high ground Take my heart Hold on to something Take my heart When I see you in my door
The nightmare, it's over, isn't it? Kanda.. I remember.. The days that passed were barely manageable. Kanda's fallen so many times but he's only fallen like this once before and that wasn't too long before he'd arrived here. His heart torn to shreds, his body broken, his spirit lessened, whatever he had left when he came here he offered it to Enji. Piece by piece, so when Enji disappeared Kanda was left searching for the pieces of himself he'd cast away.
When I see you in my door When we gonna slow down? We're running into high ground Take my heart Hold on to something Take my heart When you gonna slow down?
Kanda made a noise of distress, of despair, but he felt hope again. His fingers gripped the back of Enji's shirt and he huffs before he takes in a deep breath. He wants to inhale the other, he wants the pieces back he lost to Enji. Even if he was going to inevitably give them back to the man of fire.)
[As he eases back into the memories he left behind, he feels the guilt swell within him. How could he ever forget someone that seems to have made such a big impact on him. Making Kanda worry due to his absence, and now cry at his return? Putting anyone through such an emotional rollercoaster was just cruel. So its with a guilty heart that he pulls back enough to look down at Kanda.]
I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave you.
[He sighs, wondering how to explain, and how much of what happened he can even find a way to explain.]
I was here and then I was gone--returned home. I didn't remember anything about you or this place until I came back and found you here. [His roommate was no longer just a roommate, and he couldn't imagine how he'd react if Kanda ever went missing for any amount of time. So that anger at first was entirely justified.] I don't want to go back there again without you. [He's careful this time. Enji can't wholeheartedly make that promise to never leave again. It's clear now that he doesn't have any choice in the matter, and he never will.]
(Enji just keeps .. talking. There were so many barriers Kanda had up and coming to this world, leaving all of who he was and where he came from behind him in his own time, in his own world, was something that began to weaken him. Enji, most of all, weakened Kanda into a state of despair for him. Desperate for Enji when he was here and lost when Enji disappeared. How could such a person be responsible for so many goddamned emotions? Kanda effectively avoided so many of these situations, getting close to anyone, and for good reason.
Enji leaving would have meant nothing to Kanda. He's seen his share of his comrades falling, of humans suffering, of death and despair - he wanted no part of it.
I didn't remember anything about you.. That was preferred, it would have been kinder for Enji to return to his world and pick up the pieces he's left there initially. Rather than focus on the pieces of himself he's left in Lunatia. Do you hate me? Kanda chokes and he shoves his hands on Enji's chest, though without any real strength.)
Shut up.. shut up...
(He pressed his face against Enji's chest, his body shivers and he feels a wave of heated rage washing over his relief. No, he doesn't hate Enji.)
[Putting Kanda through his disappearance, and then the time it takes for him to start to remember things from this world that had been so slow to come back to him. All of it must have felt awful to his roommate and lover.
So Enji nods, shutting up as he's told. There's nothing he wouldn't do for the younger man, he's serious about that. So in silence, he holds Kanda close to him. All he can hope for is understanding. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. Not from his family, and not from Kanda. Still, he's glad to be allowed to have his arms around him again.
His head lowers to rest on top of slightly disheveled black hair, and his hands settle at Kanda's lower back, nearly taking up the expanse of it with just one hand.]
(Kanda inhales Enji, his body expands with the breath of his lover filling his chest and he holds the air for a moment. He tries to calm the disruption of balance within him that had erupted a hurricane of destruction within his mind, body, and soul some hours, days, months ago? This would have never happened in the first place if he didn't feel the way he did for the larger man. How could something like this happen?
He didn't wish for the heartache of being emotionally attached to someone, but he also didn't want to put himself in that fortress he was in the beginning. He enjoyed getting to know Enji, spending time with him, eating with him, being intimate.. sharing even just a part of himself with Enji made him feel appreciated in ways he never really felt before. Instead of what he could do as a fighter, as an exorcist, he was a man with interests, with personality, with a unique individualism that was only his. Those pieces of himself he enjoyed showing Enji, which ultimately began to call him out from that depth he kept himself in.
Kanda exhales and though he knows neither one of them can ever make a promise to be intertwined with one another for the rest of their lives, he still hopes that those pieces of him will remain with Enji for as long as the other resides here.)
[Enji half expected Kanda to fight him when he tries to put his hands on him, but when he doesn't feel any jerk away or movement of retaliation, he does thinks he just may be considering his apology. Even if that wasn't the case, he would take any amount of abuse to hold Kanda in his arms again. For him it had been months since the last time he could touch his skin or smell his hair. He's sure that's comparatively worse than the few days Kanda had to spend without him.
Right now the important thing is that he was back, and he was home. It wouldn't have felt like home if Kanda was not there to greet him. It's one of the few consistent joys he had in this place.
His fingers rake through long strands of hair appreciatively. He would bury himself in those strands if he could.]
(Kanda's oblivion begins to shift into something tangible. Enji's presence chisels away at the loss he felt after the man's disappearance. Though, he would much rather Enji leave this world completely than Enji leaving Kanda without a word. It wasn't something they ever discussed, it wasn't something Kanda really wanted to know past the few hints here and there that Enji's attention had been on someone else besides himself. However, once Enji spirited away he became unreasonably jealous and sick over the thought that Enji's found he preferred another lover over himself; so much more that he stole away in the night. Disturbed by fantasies that Enji was unwilling to even face Kanda nor depart with a note, a word, something, and most of all the unrequited loyalty Kanda held for Enji.
Yes, he would prefer Enji return home than to find Enji's left in any sense of that fashion.
Though, upon Enji's return, he could find peace that these dark fantasies were mere nightmares manifested by his own insecurities.
Processing these emotions was not an easy feat and Kanda's silence in response to Enji's words was not defiance. Instead, he allowed his body to respond by melting further against the larger man and exhaling heavily against the strong chest before him. He could imagine there was so much more Enji had to share with him, and he would have it all. He would want to know what Enji returned to .. and inevitably left behind, once again.)
[Where would he even manage to start with talking about it all? It's probably something he should think about for when the time came to talk about it. Now the best he thinks he can do is offering Kanda physical proof of his return.
Which meant hands around him, holding his slighter body close, with promises to be there when he wakes up in the morning.]
Anything you want. [Enji says softly, just giving him the option to think about it.]
(It was enough now. Kanda couldn't fool anyone, nor himself, into having any sort of emotional regulation. Sometimes he was stoic, cool, and calm, but that didn't mean it was because he had the ability to emotionally regulate. In his case, he didn't have the important developmental years that most people underwent. Not to say that everyone had an appropriate, enriching, environment to learn how to deal with their emotions. No, that wasn't it at all.
He knew others suffered from poor childhoods, rough backgrounds, terrible evils done unto them by not demons but by humans.
So, to say the least, this was new to him. Again and again, he finds this revelation breathing through him from time to time as these little sweet moments pass between himself and Enji. These sweet bitter moments which twist the depths of his heart; weaving it between comfort and hopelessness.
[Enji on the other hand had no evils done to him. Instead he was haunted by the evils he's done to others. More frequently those he cared for most deeply. He's always had difficulty expressing his love to the people around him, and when he does try it tends to cause pain more than comfort. If he's honest with himself, he's a man cursed to burn everything he touches to ash.
A wiser man would let Kanda go before he could truly hurt him, but Enji has reached the point where he knows how he feels and he can't escape his convictions, so he has to hold tight to them.]
I came back to you, didn't I? Even though I couldn't remember. [He decides to let the silence remain for now. Perhaps in the morning Kanda would feel like speaking.]
We should get rest, and speak more in the morning. Good night.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2020-01-11 11:53 am (UTC)His lips part and the color drains from his skin. His eyes stare at the other, wide and confused, before the sting of air burns them and they water.
No.. he's crying.
His heart skips a beat and his hand reaches up to touch the tattoo over his chest. Can't heal.. can't mend... can't do shit for a broken soul. For a metaphoric broken heart. Enji left and returned a husk. A hallow man in which nothing of Kanda remained. His hand lifts from his chest to wipe at the hot tears that stream down his face and he pulls himself together enough to stand from the bed. He holds his breath and he moves toward Enji. He stops a foot before the other and a fresh set of tears slip past his lashes before he moves for the doorway.)
no subject
Date: 2020-01-11 01:52 pm (UTC)As Kanda gets closer, he reaches for him, but at the last moment his roommate turns to head past the door, tears still in his eyes.]
Wait, please wait! [He doesn't want to use force but he can't just let him walk away. Enji feels like all of this is familiar. He doesn't think as he reaches out to grab him by the shoulders, pulling him into a hug that he wouldn't be able to escape from even if he tried.]
Don't leave me. [Things start to come back to him slowly. This wasn't the first time he's held him in his arms. Or the first time he's had silky long hair spilling over his fingers. He knows him. Intimately.]
Kanda. I remember.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-11 03:39 pm (UTC)When you gonna slow down?
We're running into high ground
Take my heart
Hold on to something
Take my heart
When I see you in my door
The nightmare, it's over, isn't it? Kanda.. I remember.. The days that passed were barely manageable. Kanda's fallen so many times but he's only fallen like this once before and that wasn't too long before he'd arrived here. His heart torn to shreds, his body broken, his spirit lessened, whatever he had left when he came here he offered it to Enji. Piece by piece, so when Enji disappeared Kanda was left searching for the pieces of himself he'd cast away.
When I see you in my door
When we gonna slow down?
We're running into high ground
Take my heart
Hold on to something
Take my heart
When you gonna slow down?
Kanda made a noise of distress, of despair, but he felt hope again. His fingers gripped the back of Enji's shirt and he huffs before he takes in a deep breath. He wants to inhale the other, he wants the pieces back he lost to Enji. Even if he was going to inevitably give them back to the man of fire.)
no subject
Date: 2020-01-12 03:39 am (UTC)I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave you.
[He sighs, wondering how to explain, and how much of what happened he can even find a way to explain.]
I was here and then I was gone--returned home. I didn't remember anything about you or this place until I came back and found you here. [His roommate was no longer just a roommate, and he couldn't imagine how he'd react if Kanda ever went missing for any amount of time. So that anger at first was entirely justified.] I don't want to go back there again without you. [He's careful this time. Enji can't wholeheartedly make that promise to never leave again. It's clear now that he doesn't have any choice in the matter, and he never will.]
Do you hate me?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-12 04:03 am (UTC)Enji leaving would have meant nothing to Kanda. He's seen his share of his comrades falling, of humans suffering, of death and despair - he wanted no part of it.
I didn't remember anything about you.. That was preferred, it would have been kinder for Enji to return to his world and pick up the pieces he's left there initially. Rather than focus on the pieces of himself he's left in Lunatia. Do you hate me? Kanda chokes and he shoves his hands on Enji's chest, though without any real strength.)
Shut up.. shut up...
(He pressed his face against Enji's chest, his body shivers and he feels a wave of heated rage washing over his relief. No, he doesn't hate Enji.)
Just.. shut up.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-12 12:29 pm (UTC)So Enji nods, shutting up as he's told. There's nothing he wouldn't do for the younger man, he's serious about that. So in silence, he holds Kanda close to him. All he can hope for is understanding. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. Not from his family, and not from Kanda. Still, he's glad to be allowed to have his arms around him again.
His head lowers to rest on top of slightly disheveled black hair, and his hands settle at Kanda's lower back, nearly taking up the expanse of it with just one hand.]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-20 12:34 pm (UTC)He didn't wish for the heartache of being emotionally attached to someone, but he also didn't want to put himself in that fortress he was in the beginning. He enjoyed getting to know Enji, spending time with him, eating with him, being intimate.. sharing even just a part of himself with Enji made him feel appreciated in ways he never really felt before. Instead of what he could do as a fighter, as an exorcist, he was a man with interests, with personality, with a unique individualism that was only his. Those pieces of himself he enjoyed showing Enji, which ultimately began to call him out from that depth he kept himself in.
Kanda exhales and though he knows neither one of them can ever make a promise to be intertwined with one another for the rest of their lives, he still hopes that those pieces of him will remain with Enji for as long as the other resides here.)
no subject
Date: 2020-01-21 01:21 am (UTC)Right now the important thing is that he was back, and he was home. It wouldn't have felt like home if Kanda was not there to greet him. It's one of the few consistent joys he had in this place.
His fingers rake through long strands of hair appreciatively. He would bury himself in those strands if he could.]
I will make it up to you. However I can.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-21 10:18 pm (UTC)Yes, he would prefer Enji return home than to find Enji's left in any sense of that fashion.
Though, upon Enji's return, he could find peace that these dark fantasies were mere nightmares manifested by his own insecurities.
Processing these emotions was not an easy feat and Kanda's silence in response to Enji's words was not defiance. Instead, he allowed his body to respond by melting further against the larger man and exhaling heavily against the strong chest before him. He could imagine there was so much more Enji had to share with him, and he would have it all. He would want to know what Enji returned to .. and inevitably left behind, once again.)
no subject
Date: 2020-01-31 01:57 pm (UTC)Which meant hands around him, holding his slighter body close, with promises to be there when he wakes up in the morning.]
Anything you want. [Enji says softly, just giving him the option to think about it.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-08 09:41 pm (UTC)He knew others suffered from poor childhoods, rough backgrounds, terrible evils done unto them by not demons but by humans.
So, to say the least, this was new to him. Again and again, he finds this revelation breathing through him from time to time as these little sweet moments pass between himself and Enji. These sweet bitter moments which twist the depths of his heart; weaving it between comfort and hopelessness.
What am I going to do.. when you leave for good?)
no subject
Date: 2020-02-14 07:22 pm (UTC)A wiser man would let Kanda go before he could truly hurt him, but Enji has reached the point where he knows how he feels and he can't escape his convictions, so he has to hold tight to them.]
I came back to you, didn't I? Even though I couldn't remember. [He decides to let the silence remain for now. Perhaps in the morning Kanda would feel like speaking.]
We should get rest, and speak more in the morning.
Good night.