(Kanda's oblivion begins to shift into something tangible. Enji's presence chisels away at the loss he felt after the man's disappearance. Though, he would much rather Enji leave this world completely than Enji leaving Kanda without a word. It wasn't something they ever discussed, it wasn't something Kanda really wanted to know past the few hints here and there that Enji's attention had been on someone else besides himself. However, once Enji spirited away he became unreasonably jealous and sick over the thought that Enji's found he preferred another lover over himself; so much more that he stole away in the night. Disturbed by fantasies that Enji was unwilling to even face Kanda nor depart with a note, a word, something, and most of all the unrequited loyalty Kanda held for Enji.
Yes, he would prefer Enji return home than to find Enji's left in any sense of that fashion.
Though, upon Enji's return, he could find peace that these dark fantasies were mere nightmares manifested by his own insecurities.
Processing these emotions was not an easy feat and Kanda's silence in response to Enji's words was not defiance. Instead, he allowed his body to respond by melting further against the larger man and exhaling heavily against the strong chest before him. He could imagine there was so much more Enji had to share with him, and he would have it all. He would want to know what Enji returned to .. and inevitably left behind, once again.)
[Where would he even manage to start with talking about it all? It's probably something he should think about for when the time came to talk about it. Now the best he thinks he can do is offering Kanda physical proof of his return.
Which meant hands around him, holding his slighter body close, with promises to be there when he wakes up in the morning.]
Anything you want. [Enji says softly, just giving him the option to think about it.]
(It was enough now. Kanda couldn't fool anyone, nor himself, into having any sort of emotional regulation. Sometimes he was stoic, cool, and calm, but that didn't mean it was because he had the ability to emotionally regulate. In his case, he didn't have the important developmental years that most people underwent. Not to say that everyone had an appropriate, enriching, environment to learn how to deal with their emotions. No, that wasn't it at all.
He knew others suffered from poor childhoods, rough backgrounds, terrible evils done unto them by not demons but by humans.
So, to say the least, this was new to him. Again and again, he finds this revelation breathing through him from time to time as these little sweet moments pass between himself and Enji. These sweet bitter moments which twist the depths of his heart; weaving it between comfort and hopelessness.
[Enji on the other hand had no evils done to him. Instead he was haunted by the evils he's done to others. More frequently those he cared for most deeply. He's always had difficulty expressing his love to the people around him, and when he does try it tends to cause pain more than comfort. If he's honest with himself, he's a man cursed to burn everything he touches to ash.
A wiser man would let Kanda go before he could truly hurt him, but Enji has reached the point where he knows how he feels and he can't escape his convictions, so he has to hold tight to them.]
I came back to you, didn't I? Even though I couldn't remember. [He decides to let the silence remain for now. Perhaps in the morning Kanda would feel like speaking.]
We should get rest, and speak more in the morning. Good night.
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Date: 2020-01-21 10:18 pm (UTC)Yes, he would prefer Enji return home than to find Enji's left in any sense of that fashion.
Though, upon Enji's return, he could find peace that these dark fantasies were mere nightmares manifested by his own insecurities.
Processing these emotions was not an easy feat and Kanda's silence in response to Enji's words was not defiance. Instead, he allowed his body to respond by melting further against the larger man and exhaling heavily against the strong chest before him. He could imagine there was so much more Enji had to share with him, and he would have it all. He would want to know what Enji returned to .. and inevitably left behind, once again.)
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Date: 2020-01-31 01:57 pm (UTC)Which meant hands around him, holding his slighter body close, with promises to be there when he wakes up in the morning.]
Anything you want. [Enji says softly, just giving him the option to think about it.]
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Date: 2020-02-08 09:41 pm (UTC)He knew others suffered from poor childhoods, rough backgrounds, terrible evils done unto them by not demons but by humans.
So, to say the least, this was new to him. Again and again, he finds this revelation breathing through him from time to time as these little sweet moments pass between himself and Enji. These sweet bitter moments which twist the depths of his heart; weaving it between comfort and hopelessness.
What am I going to do.. when you leave for good?)
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Date: 2020-02-14 07:22 pm (UTC)A wiser man would let Kanda go before he could truly hurt him, but Enji has reached the point where he knows how he feels and he can't escape his convictions, so he has to hold tight to them.]
I came back to you, didn't I? Even though I couldn't remember. [He decides to let the silence remain for now. Perhaps in the morning Kanda would feel like speaking.]
We should get rest, and speak more in the morning.
Good night.